A revived post from 2020.
I am not a person who always says what's on my mind and seldom what's on my heart, but I am prompted to do so today. A revelation that lifted my spirit.
Maybe someone needs to
hear it as well.
I start to write in 2010.
I wrote to block out my reality.
I wrote to block out
the empty cupboards, the demanding phone calls of creditors. Writing kept me
from looking out the window to see the tall grass that could not be cut. My eyes
swimming in tears as my children left their safe place because we could not
provide in their needs anymore. I felt like a failure, worthless and
purposeless.
I wrote to block out
all the anger and pain, the rejection we have experienced from church, the lack
of support from anyone we thought were our friends at that time. Standing alone
in a very harsh world, without support, it is a harsh place to be.
I wrote of lost dreams
and empty promises all in fiction form. Because in fiction I can write a happy
ending. Though my world had nothing to offer me.
I wrote 22 books during
that time. Only five books were published so far. Many of my books started
off differently from its conception. But as I grew, the stories grew,
changed, and developed where they are now: published and read.
At that stage, there
was still a ‘we’ in the equation. After 2014, ‘we’ became I...one. though I took
the step to walk away, I was off balance with no understanding or idea of how
to move forward. I had no form of financial support, had no income and no
earthly possessions.
Then I began to dream.
It was a slow process of trusting myself first, then others.
(This was a long
process and one I will not talk about now. I want to get to the revelation
part.)
At the end of 2019, I
was invited to attend an Eksderde camp where Marié Bosman (van den
Berg) spoke directly into my life. Infused by God's knowledge, she said,
"God has given you a blank page."
At the time, it elevated
me, but I didn't understand. I ran with it like a thirsty beggar but still felt
unworthy, not sure where I fit in. I was still off-balance, unsure and
desperate. And very much in lack.
Was God's promises of
yesteryear still effective? Did my current dreams coincide with God's plan for
me? How did it all fit? Were some questions I faced.
Then I met Joe van den
Berg, and he said, "Your past is the past, you have a new slate. The words
you received, the promises you received, they are over. It is time for new
ones."
It was like a click
within.
It is a clean slate.
From this moment forward, all promises and dreams is a new beginning.
The revelation part:
I read the Fourth Dimension
from Dr Cho, where he talked about receiving assurances from God for your dream.
And the second click
happened.
Back in 2010, I wrote
to forget; I wrote about anything. From spiritual stories to erotic and
everything in between. It was my saving grace during a difficult time. It
blinded me from reality. But it also blinded me to many truths. At the times
the lies became bigger, and my sins had a field day.
Since 2019, my writing
has changed. My fears and anger do not surface within the pages nor my desires
or longings of things not meant. It is more focused now.
My dream is to be a New
York best-selling author, to own a book and coffee shop and create a safe
environment for all creative beings not only writers. (The reason for the name
change.)
To get back to Dr Cho's
book and to cut an exceptionally long story short, he said to keep on dreaming
and talking about it. For others, it might seem foolish or a pipe dream. Sometimes I feel neglected and even looked over, but He encouraged me to
keep on dreaming and planning until God gives me the promise, the red seal, so
to speak. God will approve or object, but my work is to continue with it
until...
When you step away from
a long-time marriage, your world tilts dramatically. In this time, God will
allow you to make decisions and even allow you to make mistakes while He keeps
you safe... Looking back I can point you to all the times He provided and
protected me from myself and others that meant me harm I am still in awe about
it.
The best part of this
long tale is that when God gives you a new page, he means it. But he also wants
to see how serious you are. By giving you a clean slate, He gives you a second
chance. We all begin anew at some stage of our lives. All you have to do is
keep on dreaming and doing until God gives you the red seal, the assurance.
That dream will propel
you forward. It will help you grow and it will help you find your feet
again. Just hang in. God is in control.
If you are unsure or
off balance because of life's knocking around, push through. Get the dream on paper.
See it. Live it until God comes and put a stamp of approval on it. If not, then
it still will not be wasted time. Because you have learned new skills. Who
knows where it will lead?
Trust God when he says
he has given you a new page.
